What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 09:05
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I have no regrets .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What is every dictators biggest fear?
Ive learnt so much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She married twice! .
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I was scared of men, in general
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It was going to be , some day.
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She loved him until the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When she asked me how she looked .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I will be 64.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She wouldn,t have been !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We all went to grammer schools
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Would this be the day?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But it wasn’t much.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I said to her
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?